i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
