That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
