She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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