Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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