she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
