Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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