Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
