i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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