i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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