okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
