she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
