if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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