I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
