im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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