I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
