the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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