I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
