literally had 100 drinks last night.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just high enough for therapy.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
