so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
