You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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