I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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