I want to walk on stilts...naked
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
