i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
