her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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