he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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