Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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