You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
