I'm going to jail i love you
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
