dude i'm inner monologue high
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
