so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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