My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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