no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
