I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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