No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
