I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
