I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
