I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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