Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
this boner is exhausting
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
