and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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