Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
