he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
