Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hippo gnu deer
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
