I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
