Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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