You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
