it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
