your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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