tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize