I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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