No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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