Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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