At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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