Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
