Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
