i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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