here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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